The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
