Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
