I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
