Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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