Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize