you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
