Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
