On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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