I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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