I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
