I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
