A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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