I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
