I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
