You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
