You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I lost the right to judge tonight
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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