i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
