Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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