I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I want to be your penis for a week.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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