my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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