see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize