That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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