we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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