had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
