So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
