Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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