My liver just broke up with me...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
