this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
