my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
