The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
