Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
