On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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