I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The best revenge is premature balding
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
