Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
