last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you traded sex for a burrito?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
