You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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