The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
