All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
