So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
