I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
