I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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