my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
