It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize