I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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