before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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