____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
