I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
