Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
