ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
