Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
we're so committed to being not committed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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