i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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