If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
