Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
