i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
