My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
