Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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