I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
