She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
