yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
