i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
