why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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