I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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