Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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