He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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