I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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