my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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